mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
