I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
