this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
