Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
