Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
