Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
