I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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