mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
