i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
