How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
