i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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