Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
