you have to choose: penises or morals?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Oh god it's open bar.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
