One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
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