No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
