Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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