im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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