i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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