Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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