You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
