I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Randomize
