Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
