Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
