I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
