hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
