I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
