After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just blew my weed a kiss
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
