He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
