His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
