this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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