It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
