I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
