Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
