He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
