i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
