i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
