i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
