Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
