I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
