So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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