i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Randomize
