does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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