A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My dick has a subreddit
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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