i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
