I wanna bring you to show and tell
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
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