I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
