Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
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