At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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