so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
