made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
