Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
