this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
