Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
