i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
